dumi @dark_soil@rage.love

#introductions
Hi everyone. I'm a student from the US, trying to figure out how to escape my gender along with my deeply colonized worldview. I'll probably talk about feelings, uspol, what i'm reading, and food.

Have to register for classes next week. I only have to take one class, and the rest is research.

There's an extremely difficult class that would be useful, but it would essentially require all of my time and I wouldn't be able to get very much research done.

It feels like there's this logic that if your group marketing is slick enough, you get human rights. If your branding gets enough market penetration, you finally get to have survival, sympathy, and safety (until the trends change).

I don't want to do that, I don't want to feel like I have to market myself as sympathetic or 'deserving' of basic needs even in my own mind. I don't want to be the protagonist. I don't want to view others as protagonists. I'm tired of protagonists.

It feels like a common storyline is to position oneself/one's group as innocent, noble, good, or sympathetic as a way to make a claim to 'deserving' things, whether those things are good (the necessities of life, freedom from oppression, love, respect) or bad (clinging to privileges that perpetuate violent inequity).

But I feel weird regarding something about the language of 'deserving.' There's something about the image-management around whether people/groups are considered sympathetic enough to 'deserve' good things that is just exhausting.

I don't think story telling is bad at all, it has freed me in a lot of ways - I just personally find myself tired of the typical plots in which we're expected to position ourselves when we think of ourselves in 'society.'

A lot of the healing I've done has involved replacing fake or sadistic USian/kyriarchical stories with stories that are more rooted in reality, history, and sensitivity.

But now I'm tired of integrating stories. I'm tired of trying to tell a story where I'm the protagonist even though in the arc of history that's who I'd be. I'm tired of protagonists in general.

i'm so tired but i won't go to bed, why

ugh, just had to stop watching the most frustrating competition show. it was called 'next in fashion'

i've never disagreed so much with the appraisals of the people who positioned themselves as judges. it felt like i wasn't even looking at the same thing as them. bizarre

and all i want to see is people express their creativity and get awards, and the whole 'power to send you home'-based judging always feels icky

bord

Kind-of want to make a tradition out of Friday night brinner. Biscuits, bacon, and cheesy eggs with mimosas makes way more sense as an evening meal than a breakfast meal.

sometimes i feel like i can't possibly do anything, and then i have a snack

Maybe I want to get up?

I want to be special in an insignificant way, like a shiny rock. does not matter that rock is shiny, it's still simply a rock, but rock is shiny

I want to be special, but also I don't want to be special at all

donut